To Richard Robinson, CEO Scholastic Books
Dear Mr. Robinson,
Hello again! This is Ms. Crabapple, a teacher at the Random International School of Vladivostok (names and schools changed to protect the somewhat innocent). We are a school for children of the American, Canadian, and British Embassies (plus about 57 various and assorted other countries). I wrote you around a year or more ago about my problem in ordering books from your company after I've been a faithful customer for 20 years, and my dissatisfaction with the Scholastic International Orders out of Great Britain that I keep getting sent to. The books from there are priced in British sterling, which when converted to dollars make the books too expensive. Plus they spell words like "color" and "honor" wrong. (And seriously, who carries a "torch"? What is this, the 1600's?)
You were very helpful and sent me some brochures the last time I went three rounds with your ordering department. Unfortunately, I STILL have not been able to order any books. I just got off the phone with your book club division and my blood was boiling so badly I had to step outside in the sub-zero temperature and roll around in the snow just to cool down. Ha--just kidding about that last bit--actually, I found that a couple of Xanax followed by a stiff gin and tonic appear to be doing the trick.
Tonight's fun and games consisted of calling the Scholastic "outside of US" number. I got a call center in India. Well, fair enough-- you did say "outside of US"--I just thought you meant me, not the call center. As soon as I heard the lilting Mumbaian trill of the call center assistant, I thought to myself, "oh, this is never going to work." I did give her a chance, but as soon as I realized I had her head spinning faster than the "extreme dry" cycle of my Euro combo washer/dryer, I hung up (craving some chicken Madras and a dhal vindaloo, oddly enough). Then I called the "within US" number. And that is where the fun truly began.
I explained my dilemma to Tina (when you are on the phone as long as I was you get to be on a first name basis with these gals). I told her that I now had a US Embassy mailing address in Dulles, Virginia. Yes, that's right--scored an Embassy mailbox! You see I am not a woman who gives up easily. Tina tried to punch in my address..."Random International School of Rangon in Dulles, Virginia?" "No, that's in Myanmar...no relation." "Random International School of Murmansk in Dulles, Virginia?" "No, but getting warmer. Er, colder. That's our sister school here in Russia." "Oh. Random International School of Vladivostok?" "Yes! Yes that's it!" "Oh, you're overseas. You'll have to go to the international division. Let me connect you." "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Round 1, Tina.
So, trying again...this time I actually convince poor Tina to connect me to the DOMESTIC division. And God love Tina, she really worked to convince those folks to let me order some books. But alas. They weren't having it. "Sorry, this is the way our President set it up. You have to order from the international division or you can't order." Seriously...what have they got against sending a few books to Dulles, Virginia?
So once again I went combing the internet for your address. Oh, and by the way, congratulations on the new apartment! I wouldn't have figured you for a milk-chocolate-swirl and minty-green man. I wish you much happiness in your new home. I'm going to be at Teacher's College this summer--not far at all. Maybe I can stop by and help you paint over that wallpaper? Anyway, I sure would like to order some books from your company, Mr. Robinson. Anything you can do to help me make this happen would be the bomb delightful. (What was I thinking?! Embassy mail!) You know, Mr. Robinson, your mission "getting kids to read" is the same as my mission as a teacher. How about we work together to make that happen?
Sincerely,
Edna Crabapple
4th Grade Teacher
Random International School of Vladivostok
As a librarian and long-time customer of the aforementioned conglomerate, you have no idea how much I enjoyed reading your little (dis)missive to the folks at Screwlastic. As the saying goes..."many a truth is spoken in jest"...or something like that. I feel your pain having been through the same spin cycle over the years. I know how difficult they are to work with in the US, so I can only imagine what you have been through being on a different continent. If I can help in any way, let me know. Maybe you could arrange a pen pal program with a Texas school and have them hold your book orders there, then sneak them in with the kids' letters to you in Russia. Anyway, thanks for the laughs.
ReplyDelete--Jerry J.